School Reunion
by Hubert24601
Summary: Script! Spoof on several things... Doctor Who, Star Wars, Les Miserables, LOTR, and... more. 10Rose Chapter 2
1. Chapter 1

School Reunion (script)

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As you have probably noticed, – because I hardly write about anything else and when I do this subject is obviously in it somehow – the title is the same as one of the episodes in the Second Season of Doctor Who. Now, which… you know, means its obviously going to be a spoof. However, it is going to involve other characters from other telly shows, books, and possibly movies. We'll see how it goes. But remember, its not my fault if you have never seen Doctor Who and have no idea what I mean by the references I refer to or funny comments, and it is not my fault that you're sulking in a corner because you don't understand and all the people around you are laughing their buttocks off because they have not wasted their time on junk and therefore understand completely what I mean.

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing… except for insane plot. Cheers!

Now.

Are we sitting comfortably? Good. Then we'll begin.

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(_Familiar white tiles and white walls come into view as familiar white converses shuffle into view. We get a view of the class and see a mixed company, including DARTH VADER, OBI-WAN KENOBI, ROSE, DOCTOR CONSTANTINE, LEGOLAS, SAM, ELROND, CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS AND CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, WILL TURNER, ELIZABETH SWAN, THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO, JEAN VALJEAN, MARIUS, COSETTE, and JAVERT. –gasps for breath– and a few more people that will not be mentioned quite yet. They are all sitting patiently however, waiting for their Biology teacher…) _

_(Said Biology teacher comes into view and we see that it is THE DOCTOR.) _

**THE DOCTOR: **Good morning class. –grins– Are we sitting comfortably?

(_Credits for SCHOOL REUNION play and Doctor Who theme music plays) _

**ALL:** -faces express boredom– Alllright.

**THE DOCTOR: **I'm the Doctor, and I just snogged – eh, never mind. Welcome to "Biology". Biology, Biology, Biology –

**CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: **-unimpressed- We get the picture; I didn't come to Biology to learn how to spell it.

**WILL TURNER: **Yeah… -pretends to look tough- if we wanted to spell… we'd… be taking… ENGLISH!

**THE DOCTOR: **RIGHT! First lesson… class, please take out your pencils and papers and weapons of mass destruction.

_(The class does so with one exception…) _

**SAM: **I… I refuse to kill anything I can't eat!

**ELROND: **Who's up for killing Sam? Anyone?

**DARTH VADER, OBI-WAN, LEGOLAS, JAVERT: **-slaps their hands on the table in unison- Here!

**ELROND: **-fake disappointment- Sorry, Sam, looks like it's unanimous.

**THE DOCTOR: **OI! We are not killing anyone today. I'm against violence of any kind – except that time I blew up my companion's work… -snickers-

**ROSE: **Oi!

**THE DOCTOR: **RIGHT! –holds up a cute, innocent bunny rabbit- We are going to make this Rabbit –

(_THE CROCODILE HUNTER runs in suddenly out of the blue, gun poised at THE DOCTOR) _

**THE CROCODILE HUNTER: **CRIKEY!LET IT GO! LET IT GOOOOO!!! OR I'LL… I'LL SHOOT!!!

**THE DOCTOR: **-remains stunned-

**COSETTE: **-screeches and jumps on MARIUS- It's one of those… happy-slapping hoodies! –Slaps Marius- Happy-slapping hoodies with ASBOs! –slaps Marius again- Happy-slapping hoodies with ASBOs and ringtones!

**ROSE: **-rolls eyes and buries head in arms on desk- Yeah? Yeah? Oh, yeah! **_Told_** you that _you _don'tfit in!

**THE DOCTOR: **Am I going to have to pelt you with my humble Satsuma?

**THE CROCODILE HUNTER: **-stares in horror and awe- No… way. You… -bottom lip trembles- you CAN'T… -starts to cry and runs out of the room-

**ROSE: **What'd you do? 

**THE DOCTOR: **I dared him to shoot a jellyfish. RIGHT! –holds up cute, innocent bunny rabbit- This RABBIT… is going to EX –

**LEGOLAS: **-cries out in horror- CUDDLY 'UMS! Where did you get CUDDLY 'UMS??? –runs up girl like and grabs his Cuddly 'Ums from the Doctor and… cuddles him- OH, CUDDLY 'UMS! How I've MISSED YOU!! –starts cooing to the rabbit as he takes his seat-

**THE DOCTOR: **This is getting too much. –Turns around and starts writing 'BIOLOGY' on the whiteboard with a faded red marker-

**DARTH VADER: **-throws salted peanuts at THE DOCTOR when his back is turned-

**THE DOCTOR: **-whirls around, annoyed. Seeing no one suspicious, turns around again-

**DARTH VADER: **-throws more-

**THE DOCTOR: -**whirls back round- Who threw these??? –holds up peanut-

**DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN: **-kneel over, snickering to each other-

**THE DOCTOR: **If I catch the culprit… -turns around slowly-

**CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS and CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: **-start throwing spit balls at the ceiling to see if they stick-

**ROSE: **-raises a hand, smiles sweetly- I have a question sir.

**THE DOCTOR: **-smiles back- yes, Rose.

**ROSE: **-is still smiling sweetly-What is your… name? What is your…quest? What is your… favourite colour?

**THE DOCTOR: **-smile quickly fades- We are not quoting stupid movie references, Rose.

**ROSE: **-pouts and flings back into her chair, tipping it back on two legs-

**THE DOCTOR: **Since we OBVIOUSLY didn't get anywhere with the rabbit experiment…

**ALL: -**turns to eye LEGOLAS, who is ignoring them completely, cuddling his bunny who is the fattest thing on the face of the planet-

**LEGOLAS: **-mutters and speaks in baby voice- What has ze nasty Doctor been feeding you, eh, pook'ums? Aww, no need to fear, daddy's here… yessshhh…

**JEAN VALJEAN: **-mutters in French- Stupid, selfish cow.

**ELROND: **OI! That's… um… that's… LEGOLAS… um… never mind.

**JAVERT: **What has he been feeding that thing? The flipping bomb of course! –turns to THE DOCTOR- Please press the exterminate –

**THE DOCTOR: **GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! –hides under his desk-

**MARIUS: **What's wrong with you, Doctor?

**ROSE: **-rolls eyes- He thinks that you were either a hairdresser or a Dalek. I think he thought Dalek, considering that you said 'exterminate'.

**THE DOCTOR: **GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! –stays hidden under desk-

(_Suddenly, in comes some more unexpected guests…) _

**HOLMES: **Quick, Watson! I need you!

**ROSE: **-horrified realisation- I've heard that before. I've heard that _lots_ of times.

**THE DOCTOR: **I know! I KNOW! –bounces up and down- I bet that stands for "Bad Wolf" in Danish, right?

**ROSE: **-rolls eyes-

**HOLMES: **Quick, Watson! I need you!

**THE DOCTOR: **Okay, that's getting annoying… -runs to the door, wrenches it all the way open- -screams out- OI! SHUT YOUR BIG FAT MOUTHS! I HAVE A **BIOLOGY** CLASS IN HERE!!!! –satisfied, goes back inside-

**SAM: **-timidly raises hand-

**THE DOCTOR: **Yes, little short guy. Stand up.

**SAM: **-sighs- I _am _standing up.

**LEGOLAS: **Oi, don't pick on the little guy! – is still cuddling bunny-

**SAM: **Yeah!

**ELROND: **Don't listen to them! PLEASE!!

**OBI-WAN: **My boss was small.

**DARTH VADER: **Yeah, but he could elevate –

**THE DOCTOR: **GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! –hides under desk-

**DARTH VADER: **Yeah, but he could elevate –

**THE DOCTOR: **GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! –stays under desk-

**ROSE: **-as aside to DARTH VADER- Just ignore him.

**DARTH VADER: **-shrugs- Okay. As I was saying, he could elevate –

**THE DOCTOR: **GAAAHHHH! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! **–**stays under desk-

**DARTH VADER: **- and he could fling a wall at his opponent. Plus he was really wise.

**SAM: **Are you saying I'm not?!!?

**DARTH VADER: **…well…yes.

**SAM: **-proudly- yeah, well, you're WRONG! 'Wise' is part of my name!

**DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN: **-snicker- yeah, right.

**SAM: **-insists- No, I'm serious.

**DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN: **HEH. YEAH, RIGHT!

**SAM: **I'm SERIOUS!!!

**DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN: **-both annoyed- YES, we KNOW. WE WERE SAYING, 'YEAH, RIGHT!'

**SAM: **-embarrassed- Oh.

**EVERYONE ELSE: **-snicker-

**SAM: **-defensive- OI!

**THE DOCTOR: **-perches on the top of his desk- Can we get to Biology again?

**JAVERT: **What happened to our old teacher?

**THE DOCTOR: **Who was that?

**VALJEAN: **Snape or something.

**THE DOCTOR: **-scowls- the TRAITOR!! –more calmly- It's okay, he's not coming back; I got rid of him.

**ALL: **-throws papers and hats and bonnets in the air- YAY!!! SNAPE'S GONE! SNAPE'S GONE! –chants repeatedly-

**THE DOCTOR: **MWAHAHA…

**LEGOLAS: -**still talking to Cuddly 'Ums- Aww… evil slave driver forever gone, mister Cuddles.

**EVERYONE ELSE: **-tries desperately hard to ignore LEGOLAS-

**THE DOCTOR: **Okay, let's have a vote. Who wants Biology class to return to blowing up a rabbit? Raise hands.

_(Everyone raises their hands except for WILL TURNER and ELIZABETH SWAN, who have been making sheep eyes at each other and behaving like foolish school children since the lesson began.)_

**THE DOCTOR: **That settles it. SHIFT!

**ROSE: **Where are we going?

**THE DOCTOR: **Somewhere where Will and Elizabeth are _not!_ I can't get sidetracked when… -swallows hard, looking at ROSE-

**ROSE: **Uhh… never mind. You can stop there. –blushes-

**THE DOCTOR: **-nods and turns red himself- -clears his throat-

**DARTH VADER: **-leans over beside ROSE and starts making smooching noises-

**OBI-WAN KENOBI: **-stretches over on the other side of ROSE- Oooh, Ahh…

**DARTH VADER, OBI-WAN KENOBI, LEGOLAS, ELROND, MARIUS and JEAN VALJEAN: -**chants- Doctor and Ro-ose sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S—

**THE DOCTOR: **-beat red- -forceful- THAT'S ENOUGH!

**ROSE: **-calmly eyes the others- Would you like me to kick you in the gut, or turn you into grains of sand?

(_Silence falls easily.)_

**ROSE: **-smiles slightly- That's better. –turns to THE DOCTOR- Doctor?

**THE DOCTOR: **-stares at her for a moment- RIGHT! Who wants a lesson in Slitheen killing?

(_The class is suddenly interrupted by loud snoring coming from a corner.)_

**DOCTOR CONSTANTINE: **-snores loudly-

**CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: **-amazed- How he could have slept through _that_ is mystifying.

**DOCTOR CONSTANTINE: **-cane slips and bangs a tin bucket beside him and he suddenly awakens- It's… not…safe…

**SAM: **Sure it is, Mr. Gandalf, sir. The ring is secret…

**DOCTOR CONSTANTINE: **GET AWAY! STOP MISCOUNTING LIMBS, YOU MAD WOMAN!

**EVERYONE: **-turns to LEGOLAS in unison, who is oblivious, still cuddling his bunny- He must be talking to you.

**AUDIENCE: **OUCH!

**AUTHOR: **-snicker-

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_To Be Continued…(maybe, if I get any reviews telling me to continue with it. It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be. Cheers!_


	2. Chapter 2

School Reunion

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I'm trying something different with the actions. I have them in italics and brackets instead of just the dashes. Review and tell me which you like better, please!

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Act Two

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(_With relief, THE DOCTOR's Biology class moves outside for more… constructive learning. The class has aquired THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO from… The Count Of Monte Cristo and ENJOLRAS from Les Miserables.)_

**THE DOCTOR: **My life is like a butterfly - -

**ROSE: **- - You look pretty on the outside but on the inside you're poison - -

**THE DOCTOR: **- - I like to fly up in the sky - -

**ROSE: **- - and kill everyone you meet - -

**THE DOCTOR: **- - I go from place to place - -

**ROSE: **- - and take advantage of your companions.

**THE DOCTOR: **_(turns on Rose)_ _Rose!!_ I do not appreciate you doing what you are doing!

**ROSE: **Well, tough.

**THE DOCTOR: **Fine. _(huffs and turns to other students, who have begun to snicker)_

**COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: **So, when do I get my revenge?

**MARIUS: **On whom?

**COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: **I have no time for blundering idiots!

**COSETTE: **_(picks up the book called "The Count Of Monte Cristo")_ It says here… let's see… ah, here we go, to answer your question, dear husband, he wants to take revenge on… wow… to make a long list short – Fernand Mondego, Mercedes Mondego, Monsieur Villefort, Danglar… there are a lot of people.

**COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: **_(approaches COSETTE)_ And who is this charming mademoiselle? _(kisses her hand)_

**MARIUS: **Back away from my wife, you old swine bag!

**THE DOCTOR: **Oh, come on – _(claps hands)_ we can all have a good flirt later.

**ENJOLRAS: **_(eyes ROSE)_ Is that a promise, Doctor?

**ROSE: **_(blushes and smiles at him shyly)_

**THE DOCTOR: **Ooh, well…(_suddenly notices where ENJOLRAS has focused his attentions)_ NOT FOR YOU! SHE'S MINE, YOU FAT, ORIENTED PIG!

**ENJOLRAS: **What? (_glances away from ROSE startled)_

**ROSE: **Stop, Doctor, you jealous old fart! I can flirt with whomever I want!

**THE DOCTOR: **NOT IF _I_ HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!!!

**CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: **_(rolls eyes)_ Here we go again. They're both idiots in love and hardly subtle. I could charm a horse better than that. (_nudges CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW) _See? Watch this.

**THE DOCTOR: **_(turns and looks at ENJOLRAS, his voice going deathly quiet)_ I don't care about the fact that I have never told Rose how I feel about her!! I don't care that I can't spell my name!! _(pause)_ _(passionate) _I don't care if she leaves her slippers all over the TARDIS floor and I have to pick them up after her!

**ROSE: **_(gasps)_ Oh Doctor! Really? You don't care about that?

**THE DOCTOR: **NO! I DON'T! (_holds out his arms)_

**CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS**: (_with obvious disgust) _See? Told ya.

**CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: **(_nods pitifully)_

(_Really sappy music comes on as Rose runs in slow motion into the Doctor's arms)_

**ROSE: **(_her voice is in slow motion too, drawn out to sound deep) _DOO-OCCC-TTT-OOO-RRRR…

**THE DOCTOR: **(_suddenly a horrified look appears on his face as his voice is in slow mo too) _ROOOO-SSSSS-EEEE, DDDD-OOO-NNN-TTTT –

(But it is too late. ROSE jumps in THE DOCTOR's arms and knocks him over, flattening him effectively. The slow motion returns to normal speed.)

**THE DOCTOR: **_(grunts from underneath ROSE'S weight)_ Oooohhh… I don't think you lost the chips after all…

**ROSE: **_(slaps him hard)_

**THE DOCTOR: **(_rubs cheek gingerly) _What was THAT for? That was definitely a Jackie slap.

**ROSE: **For implying things you should definitely not be implying!

**THE DOCTOR:**_(mutters) _Always the mothers… _(rubs jaw)_

**ROSE: **Pardon me?

**THE DOCTOR: **No, nothing, never mind. _(scratches ear absently)_

**ROSE: **Right, let's get on with Biology. _(helps THE DOCTOR up slowly)_

**THE DOCTOR: **(_coughs) _Sorry, class. Where were we? Oh yes. Slitheen killing. Where's Ricky-boy? _(whistles as if whistling for a dog)_

**MICKEY THE TIN DOG: **_(comes running up next to THE DOCTOR on all fours, barking like a piece of tin. He goes up to the Doctor and rubs his cheek against THE DOCTOR's leg)_

**THE DOCTOR: **Uh… right. _(slowly with disgust disengages himself from said tin dog) _Perfect then! Right. Now, what we do is… well, first off, we make a special acidic form of liquid so that their guts and junk will come rolling out into the foam and become soup for the Slitheen creature called Hannibal to feast upon. Got that, clique?

**ROSE AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: **_(nod heads enthusiastically)_

**EVERYONE ELSE: **_(stares blankly at THE DOCTOR)_

**THE DOCTOR: **Oorr we could just throw lots of vinegar until they explode into little pieces that reminds me of an omelette.

**EVERYONE: **Hear, hear!

**DOCTOR CONSTANTINE: **_(points stick at THE DOCTOR lazily – one might assume he has been intoxicated) _Throw the mallet, young man! I second that motion!!

**THE DOCTOR: **Whatever.

**CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: **_(competing who can throw the most spit balls at an unsuspecting squirrel)_

**THE DOCTOR: **_(notices CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS competing between each other as to who can throw the most spit balls at an unsuspecting squirrel) _You guys sicken me.

**CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: **_(shrugs) _Well, if you can find a bottle of rum, lead me to it – oh, and maybe a thump-thump?

**CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: **_(leans back over to THE DOCTOR)_ Oh, and if you're really getting drinks, sir Time Lord – you mind tossing me a hyper-vodka? Oh um, stirred, not shaken.

**CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: **What's a hyper-vodka? _(sounds interested)_

**CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: **You've never had one? Oh, it is the _awesomest –_

**THE DOCTOR: **Shut up, Jack.

**CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: **_(ask innocently in sync) _Whaat?

**CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: **_(turns to CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS enthusiastically) _We should totally do that again!

**CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW AND CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS: **_(ask innocently in sync again) _Whaat?

**THE DOCTOR: **_(absolutely horrified) _Oh dear Rassilon, what have I _done??_

_(The two JACKS obviously find enjoyment in torture, so they continue with it on to the next act.)_

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End file.
